“In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you”, says the Gospel of Matthew (7:12). Tobit 4:15 reinforces that message saying “What you yourself hate, do that to no one”. That precept is likewise repeated by several other scholars such as Hillel, Philo of Alexandria, Confucius, Plato and Seneca - I was most recently reminded of it in Amazon’s smash hit video game adaptation Fallout.
The Golden Rule, as it is dubbed, has long been a mainstay of people’s moral compasses for millennia. And while I fully believe that most of the things worth saying have already been written in Holy Books or said by the Stoics over 2,000 years ago, I can’t help but feel we have been getting it wrong.
Before we go any further, and to make this as blatantly clear and explicit as I can: I am not, for one moment, claiming Sacred Writings are wrong. What I am saying, is that we have been taking the wrong lesson from it all along.
How most people see the Golden Rule
The answer: very literally. Scratch that. Too literally.
“Treat others as you wish they would treat you.” This is fine advice, but only to an extent. And as many things with lessons contained in anything linked to the Divine, there are layers to the lessons.
The surface and most fundamental lesson of this Rule is simply: do no harm. Do not act in a way that would cause distress or pain to others if you can avoid it, in the same way you’d rather have other people don’t cause you pain or distress. In other words: be a kind person, and a force for good.
That is the most fundamental level of the Golden Rule, that’s the pillar upon which everything is based, and this is absolutely something you should abide by. There is nothing toxic about that one.
The problem is when you extrapolate that rule to more granular levels, and you start to act with the assumption that what you like is what everyone else likes. When you start to erase the very obvious and unavoidable fact that people are different to you.
Where the Golden Rule goes wrong
Confession time; and boy am I going to sound cliché. Several of you know I am Brazilian (because no, “Gustavo” is not a quintessentially British name, wondered no one). And if there is one thing Brazilians are famous for is our love of meat.
My absolute favourite restaurant outing is going to a Rodizio. If you never heard of it, the only way I can describe it (beyond Heaven on Earth) is a meat bonanza, where you get premium cuts of beef presented to you on a skewer, which is carved out in front of your very eyes for you to grab and put on your plate. This dance keeps going until you declare defeat.
If you are a meat aficionado, you are probably having a mix of hating my gut and starving, quietly trying to book your next outing to a Rodizio (you’re welcome).
I also know you aren’t going to look as kindly in these last few paragraphs if you do not eat meat. It will either not affect you whatsoever, or I will have caused you disgust (I am sorry, I’m moving on from this topic soon!).
“Gus, what on Earth does that have to do with the Golden Rule?!”
I am so glad you asked (and if you haven’t, please take a moment to ask it, just for dramatic effect)!
See, I can’t think of many better options for eating out. If you want to treat me, that’s where you take me, no contest. I go at least once every 2 months, if not more often. Now, if my younger brother were to come and visit me in the UK, this is the last place I should take him. You know, vegetarians aren’t too fond of being shoved meat on their faces.
By taking him to the Rodizio, I’d be applying the Golden Rule, I’d be doing onto him as I wish he’d do onto me, and I’d be expecting him to be as delighted at the prospect as I would be. See the issue here?
Golden Rule gone wrong in business
Let’s apply the same principle to work now.
Do all your colleagues act like you, in all circumstances?
Do they all have the same communication preferences as you?
Do you all share a burning and undying love for data and exploring the wonderful nuggets and insights hiding in plain sight in large datasets?
If you are like me, you’ll get giddy at seeing a dashboard like the one below.
And if you really want to earn brownie points with me, give me access to the actual data for me to dig deeper and do my own analysis.
This prospect may excite or terrify you. You may think it is a terrible use of your time, or the highlight of your day. Either way: if I follow the Golden Rule, that’s exactly what I’ll do: I’ll provide you with a dashboard and a huge table of raw data because the rule teaches me to do just that. I love data, and thus, it must be that you too, will love it.
But what if you absolutely hate it. Data makes you feel uncomfortable and reminds you of Mrs Smith, your mathematics teacher who told you you would never amount to anything worthwhile? Clearly, shoving charts to your face is the worst thing I can do to build rapport and get you on board.
And this is why the Golden Rule doesn’t work. And this is exactly where people have been going wrong with the Golden Rule for so long. The rule works perfectly fine, if you understand what it actually is there to teach you.
How the Golden Rule should actually read
Let’s go back to the Rule and its more modern writing. Here is how it should actually be reworded.
When you are dealing with someone, think about how they would want to be treated, not how you would want to. Acknowledge they are different from you, they have different preferences and priorities, that they care about things for different reason than you would, and act accordingly.
“But Gus, you just changed the rule!”
No. I actually didn’t. Think about it. If the lesson is for me to treat others as I wish they would treat me, would I not want them to adjust to my preferences and treat me based on those, rather than their own?
If we are meeting up for dinner and you are vegetarian, I’d much rather you take this carnivore to somewhere he can have some meat rather than have to select the dish he is least unimpressed by in a restaurant he isn’t keen on.
In truth, if you really embrace what the Golden Rule stands for, you realise that the only way to actually live up to its promise is by remembering that everyone want to be treated how they want to be treated, and therefore, for you to treat them as they wish to be treated, you need to make sure you don’t treat them as you wish they treated you. (and yes, if you hate convoluted sentences, I just broke the Golden Rule!)
Simplifying it: applying the Golden Rule starts by seeking to understand them. This is the fundamental key to it. You want to be understood, and you want people to adjust their approach to you. Do the same to them.
To successfully apply the Golden Rule you must “treat others as they wish you would treat them”.
How do I apply this in practice?
Very simple, young grasshopper. Before you prepare a report to your boss, ask yourself: how do they usually like to communicate, and what type of communication do they respond the most positively to? Is it a PowerPoint presentation? Is it a neatly written and structured Word / Notion / confluence doc? Could they possibly be more receptive to a video pitch or an audio note?
Whenever you need to communicate anything, ask yourself, how your audience is most likely to respond to it. And give them options. I’ve been leading a large project at work, and I have been updating my stakeholders by offering them both a video and a written version of the status update: they pick which one they want, and I don’t mind which they pick, as long as they engage with the information.
If you are managing a team, pay attention to how they prefer to be treated. Do they need a 5-minute chit-chat or do they rather jump straight in? Do they accept feedback easily or do they get defensive?
Your goal is to address and interact with people in the way they will be most receptive to it, regardless of what your preference is. Recognise that if you are interacting with someone, then you have, at least implicitly, an objective, a goal out of it. The best way to reach that goal? The Golden Rule applied properly.
Fail to do this, and you’ll be slowing your career down. Remember, no cyclist ever won the Tour de France dragging an Anvil along. Don’t be that cyclist.